Fiery Trial Number Two: How To Conquer Fear

What’s worse than being run over by a steam roller? Answer: Being run over by two steam rollers!

You will see as I relate this story and the ones to follow, how Father walked me through fear, and through it, and through it, until over many trials and sufferings, the fear was burnt off me. The fires are still burning today.

This second trial twice left me feeling, as described above, like a steam roller had run over me. It started just prior to my wedding day. Philip and I were arguing about something and he hit me. It did not hurt or harm me. But in that moment, all my tender loving feelings for him vanished. As if they had never been.

It had become evident in Bible College that Philip had an anger problem, but so did I, so we thought little of it. In Australia, Philip was experiencing culture shock, and we failed to see that too. Then one night he got mad at me, so I grabbed my daughter and went to walk out of the house. Philip stopped me from walking past and his eyes changed. They became menacing and evil. I must have recognized something not human there because I commanded it in Jesus’ name to be bound and let us pass. The thing in Philip just laughed, a jeering sort of laugh that said, ‘You have nothing on me’.

In that second the thought entered my mind: ‘I can’t trust Jesus, His name does not bind this demon’. And fear entered into me. A fear, more like terror, that stalked me for our entire marriage.

We did manage to get around Philip that night. So, in actual fact, the demon in him was bound and could not harm us. Ranyhyn and I slept in my car in front of the local police station, never dreaming of going inside. I was too embarrassed, and afraid.

Philip and I got married. I was flat and joyless, feeling about as un-in love as one could be. The three reasons I went through with it were: I had promised him in PNG and did not want to break that promise; I thought it was Father’s will; my pride before my family and friends refused to allow me to call it off and send Philip packing.

On our honeymoon, my new husband held a rolling-pin over my head and threatened to bash my brains out for wanting to sit on the patio to eat breakfast while he didn’t. My life from then consisted of fear, fear, fear, paralysing fear. I was lost in it. It held me in a vice. Over time my lack of feelings for Philip turned to disgust. He exuded a terrible smell. Demons smell. Especially the fear variety. That’s why dogs attack people who are afraid. They smell the demon. Much, much later, we discovered Philip had an ancestral background of witchcraft, and terrible rejection. His father was head of the men’s house in their village on the Sepik River. There the crocodile is worshiped: Leviathan, king over all the sons of pride (JOB 41:34). His grandfather would beat him as a child to ‘make him strong against his enemies’. He would watch his father beat his mother until the stick, as big as Philip’s wrist, broke. He was sent far away to school at age seven.

Whenever I wanted even the slightest thing different to Philip, he would hold his fist in front of my face and threaten me with it. In this way he controlled me, he himself being controlled by his demons.

I phoned Peter and Kay, the Christian couple up north with whom we had stayed after our honeymoon. By this time we had returned home to Brisbane. I had so wanted to ask them about Philip’s problem and if they knew anything about demons, but was too afraid. They said to come straight back up. We had also discovered I was in the early stages of pregnancy. Somehow Philip managed to subdue his demons and agree. Having read the first book by Rebecca Brown, He Came to Set the Captives Free, we were just starting to admit to the possibility of demons and possession. But we knew next to nothing about the spiritual realm. And this of two recent Bible College attendees!

The drive north was difficult. The demons in Philip were, like me, terrified. They of Peter, me of them. Philip verbally abused Ranyhyn, later receiving a horrible abscess on his face in recompense, he knew, from YHWH. I had to squeeze it out, stinking, and full of pus.

At one point Philip got out of the car and started walking back. I told him I was going with or without him. He finally submitted and came along quietly. Looking back I admire his courage. His mind must have been in a dark valley, blindly fighting a battle with no understanding, like a frightened child.

At Peter and Kay’s the demons were confronted. This couple, well versed in deliverance, tried to bring Philip to admit he believed I was his possession and had to obey his every whim. He declined to do so and had to return to PNG. He effectively refused deliverance. It must be remembered, we were still unaware of the more powerful witchcraft demons lodged within his flesh.

Back in PNG, Philip worked for a while as an assistant pastor, then went back to his village to start the trade store we had envisioned. He built us a house. All the while Father worked on his heart.

I lived in a world of fear, torment, and confusion, wanting my husband to just disappear out of my life. At the Holy Spirit’s direction, we moved up near Peter and Kay. It felt safer there. Away from the embarrassment of having to tell my family I had married a violent psychopath. It was like walking through a nightmare in which Philip finds his way back and kills us all.

The situation was made all the worse because I could not open up. The fear affected me in many ways. It took every ounce of courage I possessed to walk up to the door of Peter and Kay’s house. When I did summon it and visited them, my mouth would not get out what I wanted to say. I would spend ten minutes saying something that should have taken thirty seconds, going round and round in circles confusing my listeners and still not getting to the point. The demon told me they would reject me, not like me, not want to hear what I had to say. I would be embarrassed going shopping in case someone saw what I bought and thought I’d spent too much, or purchased items I should not have. If I bought a new dress, I’d put it in the wardrobe for a while so I could say, ‘Oh, that old thing’, if someone remarked about it.

Looking back now I laugh and cry at how lost I was in paranoia, inferiority, craziness, and wonder if anyone ever guessed it was not me. I had not been like that before.

The time for Jedidiah’s birth finally came. It did not enter my head to invite Philip. I had visions of him throwing the baby he had cursed in the womb against a wall. Kay’s sister was to be my support person at the hospital but abandoned me a couple of days before. I went to the hospital with every intention of having a peaceful, redeemed, natural birth, but it all went out the window when the staff dragged me onto a bed and induced Jed artificially. The pain and disappointment were excruciating, with the birth not progressing until Peter rang me in the delivery room to pray for me. He bound all the powers of darkness and petitioned Father on my behalf. At the instant we said ‘Amen’, I felt Jed’s little head fall into place and second stage commence, though it was another three hours before he was born.

I felt truly alone. Since the day fear entered me when Philip’s demon laughed, it continually told me I could not trust YHWH.

When I left hospital, Kay told me to go home, spend a few days with Jed and leave Ranyhyn, my daughter with them. I saw hatred for me in my little girl’s eyes because she didn’t understand why I had left her. In Bible College I’d had a dream of a monstrous winged demon crouched over her and I knew Satan wanted her soul. She was four then. When Jed was born she was six. At eighteen she became a prodigal and remains one today at twenty-five.

With Jed’s birth there began the long walk back through battles, twists, and turns, to regain my trust in YHWH. Kay and Peter pointed the finger at me saying Jed’s traumatic birth was as a result of my lack of desire to mend my relationship with Philip. Kay had a vision of my fear: a great blackness coming down pinning her paralysed to her bed.

Two events kick-started my climb out of the abyss of fear. When Jed was a few months old we moved into a caravan in a park near Peter and Kay. Some weeks later a cyclone bore down on our city. My caravan was tied down with stakes and ropes to prevent it being blown away like a matchbox. A friend invited me to come with my children to her place, but I decided to stay until Father told me to go. Peter intended to wrestle in prayer all night, so I asked for a psalm to pray in his support and Father gave me one. The wind became, to my thinking, rather fierce, until one of my drunken neighbours came to the door asking for a corkscrew. As we uncorked her bottle of wine and she flew backwards out the door, she remarked, ‘It’s very calm for a cyclone, isn’t it?’

Suddenly I was onto the enemy! How he deceives! He was telling me the wind was bad. And I was believing him. I saw what I believed. The truth was it wasn’t bad at all. So I relaxed and prayed til late. The cyclone never came near us. I hadn’t heard from YHWH since Bible College until He gave me the psalm to pray for Peter. Confidence I could hear His voice returned from being shot to pieces.

The next event occurred when Peter and Kay took their family camping, leaving me alone. I had become reliant on Father talking to me through Peter. One afternoon as I was about to walk to the nearby school to pick up Ranyhyn, Jed became very sick with a fever, vomiting, and diarrhoea. I didn’t have time to deal with it, but knew from Peter’s teachings that anything like this was from the Most High. I took hold of some courage and told Father if He made Jed well, I’d seek him that night. Jed was better in ten minutes!

That night I wrote down a prophetic word for Peter which I gave to him on his return. It warned that Philip should not come back or he would destroy Peter’s ministry.

When Jed was six months old, we all moved to a farm in the mountains near Biloela, about seventy kilometres away.  Mine was among five families setting up a Christian community there. That’s when the control began. I was to learn much later that Peter’s wife and daughter had control, or Jezebel, spirits. While they lived in Israel some years previously, they had been warned the two ladies needed deliverance. I knew little about Jezebel spirits and was forbidden to mention the subject.

A person with a Jezebel spirit will recognize a prophetic gifting in another and seek to destroy them. Because Peter was my covering at the time, I was under the delusion I had to obey Kay’s every order. But one can never satisfy a control freak. Nothing I did was ever good enough and I was put down at every opportunity. This exhausted me spiritually, mentally , and physically. I would continually go into disobedience, according to Kay, no matter how submissive I tried to be. Many other things happened during this period, and, in retrospect, I can see Father sustained me. Because Peter had feared the Jezebel in Kay, he had neglected to see to her deliverance, gone into disobedience, and therefore, his days were numbered.

Two of the farm families left leaving just Peter’s family, Kay’s sister, and me with my two little children. One day Peter and Kay decided they’d had enough of us, the responsibility being too great. It was suggested I go to live in Biloela for a while. I refused because I felt it wasn’t Father’s will. The next tactic was to bring Philip back so we could go to PNG with him to live. This too I was very much against. First of all I still feared and loathed Philip. Secondly there was that word from YHWH to Peter. I insisted we pray about it first. Peter agreed but it somehow got forgotten when he directed me to write and ask Philip to come.

Being under Peter’s covering, I had to obey, and so I did. Philip wrote a letter back responding positively to the invitation. As I lay reading it, Father did a miraculous work in my heart. I fell in love with my husband again! It lasted just long enough to bring me through the next part of this fiery trial.

Philip came back. I got pregnant with our next son, Gabriel, named for the archangel. He was my message from Father He still loved me after the second steam roller drove over me. That was soon to occur. It was told me much later that almost as soon as Philip returned, Peter got sick with an eye problem.

Everything was okay for a few weeks. Philip had done some hard spiritual work in PNG getting clean from his anger. With Peter and my help he had an amazing deliverance from many demons. The next day I told him I thought I was pregnant. My beautiful husband went into fear of responsibility, now for a wife and three children, and pulled out a knife.

I grabbed my two little ones and ran for our lives. All the fear that I had worked so hard to overcome came flooding back. All of Philip’s demons cast out the day before gleefully re-entered him bringing with them seven times as many friends. Needless to say we all walked on eggshells for the next month or so until Philip returned to PNG. I was totally consumed with fear of Kay also.

There were some redeeming moments. Peter and family went away for a week to a funeral leaving us alone on the farm. In the dark nights, Philip and I would hear a chorus of angels singing. Then my brave and battered husband accompanied us back to Brisbane where I sold the caravan after he left us to return home.

With the fear; the spiritual, mental, and physical exhaustion; my pregnancy; moving; nightmares; the enemy’s lies telling me Father had forsaken me and I was going to hell; depression; an angry Philip constantly ringing to ask when I was coming up; and a tormenting neighbour, I cried out to Him to kill us. I could barely rise out of bed in the mornings, nor walk for more than a few minutes. I cried all the time. I made the decision not to go to PNG because, so the demons told me, I would die or not have enough money to return to Australia if it became necessary.

One night Ranyhyn had an earache. I prayed about it and Father told me I must forgive Peter and Kay. I had been so angry at them for the way they treated us, as if they were all okay but I was to blame for every bad thing that happened: the abandonment when I gave birth to Jed, Philip coming back. So many things. Telling me I should stop breast-feeding Jed. I forgave them and the earache went away.

I started to hear the still, small voice of my Father whispering to me: ‘Lo, I am with you and will never leave you.’ Like water to a man dying of thirst. After a lot of rest each day, when I was six months pregnant I started to feel better. I sought counselling, attended a support group, went to anti-natal clinic, and moved house to avoid Philip if he should come back.

Gabriel’s birth was amazing, a real blessing after all we had been through. Three months later Peter died. They hadn’t even told me he was sick. I heard he was riddled with cancer that had metastasized from behind his eye.

There were two decisions I made at that time I sincerely regret to this day. One was the decision I made to disobey Philip and not go to PNG. I was convicted of this only recently, seventeen years after the fact when Father was dealing with my disobedience in another trial. The other regret, much deeper, was cutting off all contact with Philip for four and a half years after Gabriel’s birth. At the time my fear told me it made complete sense. But fear is the diametric opposite of faith. It shortens YHWH’s hand, and it is sin! The last letter I wrote to Philip was to tell him of our son’s birth and what I had named him. No input from him was invited. I didn’t even send him a photo. It was five years before I was so convicted of this sin against Philip and Gabriel I cried in agony on the floor for days.

After Gabriel’s birth I cried out to Father for a miracle with Philip. Though I would not have admitted it, probably was not even consciously aware of it, I did not really want him changed, but that he would die or commit adultery so I could finally get him out of my life and forget him.

When Gabriel was about two and Ranyhyn established in homeschooling, I started researching the end times and studying the Bible again. We didn’t go to church. I did not want to muddy the prophetic revelation passed on to me by Peter, the reason I was brought to them by YHWH. We spent a year on the street in a van proclaiming the truth to any who would listen or were brought across my path. Father took us from Cairns to Melbourne promulgating His truth, mostly living by faith with no income. This experience, the subject of my next trial, drove a lot of fear and pride out of me.

One night en route to Melbourne I went to Heaven for eight hours in a trance-like dream. Father showed me Philip laying on His lap as a small black dog, full of sin after having returned to his vomit. We stayed in Melbourne for two weeks with a Christian group. Their pastor was named Philip. This fact birthed in me anew a love again for my own Philip so strong I fairly flew back to Brisbane hoping to receive a letter back when I’d written to him.

It was there, the letter. He would later tell me when he received my letter after four and a half years of silence, he ran out of the post office yelling, ‘It’s a miracle!’

Early the next year he came back to us. But he had long given up ever seeing us again. He was far, far away from YHWH, living in sin with another woman and expecting their baby. There were knives again, drunken outbursts of violence, suicide attempts. My fear returned, but not so overwhelming. One night as Philip slept I cried for him for hours, deep racking sobs of grief and sorrow. I forgave him totally and was able to love him through it and his demon’s revenge on me. Confronted with this love tearing at the demonic strongholds within, Philip went back to what he knew, out of his fear of harming us and going to jail. He returned to his girlfriend, so I divorced him. This terrible thing I was eventually convicted about also. Why, oh why does mankind refuse to wait patiently and faithfully for YHWH’s time? 

My children and I travelled around Australia claiming it for Yahshua. Father said to leave Philip be. I had a dream he was on his deathbed.

We lost contact on and off, the last time for several years. I got married again. Then my friend wanted to go to Israel and I decided so did I. In order to do so, I’d have to get passports for Gabriel and myself as he was my only child still at home. And because he was under eighteen Philip still had to sign his passport application. But how to find him. Someone suggested the Internet. His girlfriend, Rebecca, was on a social media site called WAYN–the name of my new husband. I connected with her. She was friendly and gave me Philip’s mobile number. They had broken up not long after I got married. Their nine year old son, William, my boys’ brother, was with her. With YHWH on the case nothing is too difficult.

When I rang Philip I think he felt like a miracle had occurred again. During one of a series of phone calls I led him back to his Saviour. He launched into the most beautiful prayer of repentance. It was the least I could do after I’d had so much to do with his descent into sin and adultery. A week later there was a landslide at the open cut mine where Philip worked. He heard Father calling, ‘Philip, look up!’ He saw the rocks falling, but was able to warn all the men there in time to run away and save their lives. Only two including himself were injured. If I hadn’t led Philip back to Yahshua, if he hadn’t repented, all could have died and gone to hell, as none were Christians.

Philip is currently on the way to take up his high calling made so long ago from the heart of YHWH.

A few years ago my friend gave me a book about agape love. In it the author instructs her readers to simply give everything such as fear, worry, pride, and anger to YHWH. This I do now, and am on my way to conquering and casting out the many fears hidden within my flesh. I thank Father every day for the gem that is Philip being in my life, because of whom I experienced the depths of terror and the heights of YHWH’s perfect, pure agape love.

When you encounter fiery trials, do not think that jumping over the fence to avoid them is the easy way out. That path will only lead to another trial, and another, until either the work is done or Satan petitions for and gets your life and soul. Read your Bible and BELIEVE it. Having done all you know to do, stand. But usually we can do much more than that, for we have the victory. It was won for us on the cross. Resist Satan, rebuke him in the name of Yahshua and he MUST flee. Take every thought captive. Tell the enemy he is going to the lake of fire, that gets him moving in the opposite direction from us. Be obedient, faithful, and courageous. YHWH is with you and will never leave you. Be joyful, pray without ceasing, and in everything give thanks, for this is the will of our Father in Heaven!


About daughter of the Most High

Unveiling end-time truth and mysteries.
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3 Responses to Fiery Trial Number Two: How To Conquer Fear

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  3. Pingback: On the Beach | In Spirit and in Truth

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